Sometimes the colours are vibrant...blinding almost, in their intensity. At other's they are the deep hues of pain. Then sometimes, they're all mixed up...like a pot of colour upended and you can't make out the red from the brown, the blue from black. When the colours are swirling in a mix of meaninglessness, you dip one finger in them then another, you smear them across your lips and taste the uncertainty. The uncertainty of ever finding meaning again. The certainty that you had found perfection and the fear that it will never be again. You close your eyes and try to picture things as they were and memory fails you; self preservation, I've heard it's called. When you look back at perfection and it has lost its clarity; for if you could see how perfectly beautiful it was you might drown in despair and not give life a second chance, love a second chance.
Then again, sometimes you don't want another chance. When you are tired of taking chances and falling face down over and over again. Of getting up and falling down and getting up again. Sometimes you look ahead and see nothing, for nothing is safe, it's nothing after all and then you ask yourself; when was it that I became a coward? And your heart whispers, "You're not a coward sweet heart, you're just human and afraid of pain, of shattered illusions and unrequited love; love the shadows of which still trail your path, love that you gave your all to, and it's not that you are denying your future, it's just that you have nothing to give anymore." You believe that voice and you say, to hell with love.
Let's walk another path. Let's find a place that's comfortable and free, that's exciting and new, that has no haunting memories of the past nor fearful possibilities in the future. Let's enjoy the present for what it is for the future is too far to look into. And you walk. You walk that path. And you enjoy the newness of it all. You enjoy the rain falling on your face for it washes the tears away. There is no meaning in the rain. It is not for you. No one sent it to take your pain away, yet you chose it. You chose it because it is not for you. You chose it because it is not personal. You chose it because it feels good and has no potential of making you feel bad. Haven't you felt that emotion enough? Yet, as you walk with new found freedom, trying to chase away the shadows, smeared in meaningless colour, steeped in the uncertainty...enjoying the disregard, enjoying telling the beast to find someone else to prey on for you ain't in the market no more, honey...as you walk, first one step then another...you realise that you gave up on an innocents' dream and chose a different reality.
You walk...painting a picture you never thought you would, or maybe you did, but not like this. May be like this, but not for these reasons. Then you shrug...leaving regrets behind. Leaving old scars behind. Leaving old ideas behind. Embracing the unexpected.The Unexpected can teach you so much more, show you so much more. Into the unexpected, certain in the uncertainty, meaningful in it's lack of meaning; you walk the path you laid down.
My life...my masterpiece. My strokes, my creation.