So, as I was saying. I have no problem moving, just stopping. So, when I did not stop in time to refuel, it seems life yanked on the emergency break. Right now I am in a crumpled heap unable to move but burning with all the energy of an ocean contained behind a wall, trapped, roaring, impatient, frustrated; immobile – useless.
Come to think of it, the last time I felt like this; trapped, useless and all the colourful epithets describing my crippled state, is just before I found the momentum, just before I started. I remember being crippled by fear. By that sinister friendly voice that in all concern for me told me that I probably didn’t have it me to live a life of meaning. It told me to clip my wings because the fall from cloud nine is plenty painful. It told me I wasn’t good enough. When I rebelled at that, it consoled me saying that hey…it’s not that, maybe I don’t really want a meaningful life. It’s too effortful! Why, I must want a safe and secure life, right? Enjoy college, get a job, survive day in and day out and along the way find the time to populate the world then expend my energy sustaining my contribution to the populace? Why go out on a limb and break your neck in the process? Sinister I say, for that voice kept me motionless. Poised. Knowing in my heart of hearts that there is something out there that I want for myself. Yes, I will enjoy college and oh, definitely enjoy populating the world and my tiny midgets? Of course I’d do all to sustain them and have them flourish….but what will the background of my life be? It could be a dreary melodramatic survival story, or it could be a BLAST! It could be everything I want from it. And that all the strapping’s of society and the freedom of following your dream are not mutually incompatible, as the sinister voice was trying to intimate. HA!!! Gotcha! That’s what I told it and took the first step out onto that limb. I have never regretted it since. Never will.
That I believe gave me the momentum so many of us seek. So many of us trapped in our own heads as we survive one day to another; so many of us who don’t tell that voice to shut up, so many of us who have that faint picture of a life we want, but are held hostage by a voice that tells us to not be stupid, be sensible. So what happened then? Well. A sadistic quirk of fate I must say. When I finally got the mind to be free, my body held me hostage. Told me to not work 18hr days else it’ll cripple me. I laughed in its face and thought I could get away with it. I couldn’t. And here I am. My body’s laughing now, er, not quite, but it got its way anyway. I, the perennial whirlwind of activity (since even before having found my dream et al) now sit crippled by half a day’s strenuous activity. Pathetic. Or so my mind screams. Then I think (and I do that well. Some would say I overdo it. Perspectives.) and I’m led to believe that there is a lesson here.
So, it’s always been easy for me to work hard. To multitask. To go after the rainbows in the sky. Easy and comfortable. That’s who I am. That’s what I do well. But living the life you want is not about comfort, it’s about moving out of your comfort zone, facing your challenges, overcoming your shortcomings and doing what it takes to live that life. In my case, moving out of my comfort zone would be to slow down. To work human hours. To keep the big picture in view and to hold my rearing stallions ready to gallop into the sunset. It’s a valuable lesson. Not comfortable but I don’t think that is the point life is trying to make here.
Being pushed against the wall, sometimes, gives us the momentum necessary to break through it and move beyond. Or, well, being squashed like a bug on the windshield. That I guess is something we have to choose. What do we want to do with our walls?